Growing Up

One of the many signs that I'm beginning to feel my age is that I've become better at refusing to be a People Pleaser.  

You see, once upon a time, I cared too much what people said about me, and I wanted to be Campus Girl or Miss Congeniality.  I thought being a good girl mant I had to keep quiet even if people who posed as my friends put me down, and obedience meant not questioning the weird and unflattering comments of people I thought I was duty-bound to be obedient to.

I could take verbal abuse and justify it, just like a battered wife who kept coming back to her violent husband.  And it took the objectivity of caring leaders and directors to gently point out to me that I was putting up with some things that were not right.  Being a Christian, I learned, did not involve being a Yes Person, a Pushover, or a Pleaser.  It meant saying yes to Jesus, standing up for what's right, and not being afraid to let people down if their ways or being involved with them led me to sin.

Not every negative comment is to be avoided, however.  In fact, I have grown through the loving correction and timely reminders of friends, for I saw the concern behind their seemingly harsh words.  Those people who truly cared for me were not afraid to say the painful truth.  I still run to them with my darkest secrets, unafraid to get scolded or reprimanded, and eager to hear their suggestions for dealing with my problems.

On the other hand, there were some people I had encountered in the past who seemed to take pleasure in reminding others, me in particular, of weaknesses, failures, and faults.  They said it with unbelievable delight, and the usual, and expected, effect was not to lift me up, but to put lime juice on my wounds.  

Well last birthday, I made a grownup decision that enough was enough.  I decided to be more careful how I was treated so that I wouldn't explode later on like a volcano after I've had too much verbal aggression.  I would give timely corrections when other people step all over me, and would always try to remember the truth that God loves me, warts and all.

Love is complicated, for its expressions in some do not always match the needs of their beloved.  I do not question the faith of those who inadvertently hurt other people, but there is also nothing wrong in sticking to the people who share my values, whom I know are journeying, struggling, and rejoicing with me every step of the way.

It is time to say goodbye to dead stars that no longer exist, but still appear to shine due to their distance from the earth.

It is time to define love as God who is love intended it to be.

It is time to stand up, out of love for my soul, and to walk on with less baggage and distraction.

Yes, this explains my silence.

Picking Up the Pieces

Finally, I was prevailed upon to play the piano again, for a one-night engagement, here in our living room, as part of a family recital for a dear friend.  

I have a confession to make.  I never play because I don't think I'm good enough.  I'm not concert pianist-level.  I'm never going to make it to Julliard.  So I quit while I was still ahead, and opted to finish Business Economics, instead of taking up a Minor in Piano, which a friend of mine actually succeeded in doing.

It all came back to me tonight when I started practicing "The Poet's Harp" (Op. 38, No. 3, composed by Felix Mendelssohn) a beautiful piece from my college days.  After four tries (should be ten times, according to my piano teacher-mother), my neck and shoulders hurt (I can hear her reply - that this is due to my wrong sitting position), and I felt like I had wrestled with the notes.  I had to stop and play something easier, something I had memorized like the back of my hand, J.S. Bach's Two-Part Inventions, until I checked the pieces and the actual notes, and realized how wrongly I had been playing Nos. 1, 4, 8, and especially 13, all these years.  Like a friend of mine from a choir told me years ago, practice makes permanent.  I did not practice perfectly and so the effect of that mistake is permanent.  Unless I practice the pieces correctly, "ten times".  I stopped after an hour, for I could not hear the music anymore.  I also noticed that my piano teacher from UP's Extension Program had encircled parts where I made the most mistakes, and consciously or subconsciously, I hit the wrong notes on the exact same parts of The Poet's Harp.  Talk about repeating one's mistakes over and over again.

I will try again this weekend, and hopefully, I will not resist anymore, and will not end up feeling like I had just been on a boxing match with the piano.

There was only one man who was able to bring not just me back in front of the keys, but also my mother, who is even more of a musical perfectionist than I am.  One man, a good friend of mine who is leaving the country, requested a recital for his farewell party, and I could not help but oblige.  He also convinced my mother, who in turn encouraged her grandsons (the current performing stars of the family) to play at least two pieces each.  I don't know how to say goodbye, to face him and thank him for all that he's done for me, to wish him the best in his further studies, to ask him to write to me often, to memorize his face so that I don't forget.  I will just pour my goodbyes into The Poet's Harp.  I asked him to paint me something as a remembrance.  He is an artist who has stopped painting due to a new vocation.  I don't know if he will do his part of the bargain, but I sure am doing mine.

In the movies, goodbyes are so poignant.  They bring out the best memories and make the characters realize their worth in one another's eyes.  

In the movies, rusty musicians play gloriously in the end, and frustrated artists create masterpieces.

This is real life.  I don't know how this will end.  But I will try to enjoy the journey, and not commit the same mistakes I've made in the past.

August Rush

It is August, after all. I watched the Oscar-nominated film "August Rush" last weekend. Twice. They say there are only two reactions to the film, either you will love it, or you will get bored with it. I belonged to the first category.

Spoiler warning here, as I write a bit of reaction to the movie. The theme is the power of music, and how it brings together people who listen to it. August Rush is the screen name of a young boy from the orphanage who grew up listening to the beat of his own music, literally. He could stand in the middle of the road and hear the humming of electric cables. He could conduct an orchestra out of wind chimes. He was able to write music at a very young age.

Magical and mystical, the film unwraps like a play, with the audience in willing suspension of disbelief. I suspended mine because I wanted to see the world as Evan, or August, did. He just followed his heart and out came the music that was given to him. In writing down the music, he was just giving it back, he said, to the ones who gave it to him.

The movie is set in New York City and it is obvious that its creators had such love for their city, for the setting itself was a character in the movie. It provided the perfect background, although this was a different NYC probably than the one featured in "Sleepless in Seattle", "An Affair to Remember", or any of those Armageddon-type movies. This NYC played a rhapsody so beautiful and powerful that it reunited Evan with his loved ones.

Some lines in the film were memorable. The cellist said she wanted to play again, after eleven years, because she felt her son could hear her somehow.

The poet-rockstar returned to the concert stage to sing of the love he met one moonlit night, and to call her back to him again.

And the boy touched many lives - from street performers to choir members, from policemen to pastors. His gift stunned Julliard professors. His music inspired thousands.

I sat on a bed watching it on my Macbook and cried for about half the movie. I have not cried like that over a film in a long time. Perhaps it is the boy's faith. Perhaps it is his determination to fulfill his purpose in life. Perhaps it is the beauty of seeing a human soul becoming what he was meant to be. Perhaps it is the love that I have stopped believing in.

This August, rush to your favorite DVD suki and buy a copy of this touching movie. Prepare to face your own dreams, and prepare to be filled with hope that they will come true, if you will keep believing, and if you keep doing what you are called to do.

Blessings in the Time of Oil Speculation

Unexpected blessings poured out this week.  I was able to spend time with different sets of friends, and I did not have to throw a party to gather all of them.  I could not invite all my friends because times are hard, but what a blessing because there were other reasons to get together, and they all happened during my birthday week so I took it as a gift from a loving God.

Last week, I had a fantastic lunch and coffee with one of the smartest people I know, followed by dinner with some good friends who were well-versed in civil and canon law.  On my actual birthday, I had breakfast with my parents at Jollibee after mass - with their Senior Citizen's card, our bill was the sweetest ever.  I saw some of the WYD delegates and was blessed by their experiences.  My grade school barkada Secrets treated me to dinner at Mary Grace in Serendra, and I brought home a birthday cake.

A couple of good friends gifted me with a dream come true - a red Moleskine 18-month planner with notepad (ok so they asked me what I wanted), and we had Starbucks on a stormy night.  Over at the office, we had a thanksgiving party for last month's performance and had a joint celebration for all the July birthday girls.  People had a really, really, really good time and everyone said it did not feel like an "office party" at all.  I had to drive home so I had to watch what I drank.  Yeah, too bad!

Yesterday was one for the books, my books, for it started with an afternoon party at Manila Ocean Park's Fuzion restaurant for Baby Juan's first birthday bash, and I was with my grade school friends.  Then I went to Chocolate Kiss cafe in Roces Ave. to send off the woman who invited me to Lingkod, Alett Nunez, who is leaving to study abroad on a generous scholarship.  Because of Alett, brothers and sisters I had not seen in a long time had wonderful dinner together and shared stories of our colorful life as the early Lingkod QC members and servants.  With the exception of a few people who had previous engagements, gathered that night were my closest friends in Lingkod.  To cap the night, I had to follow at a small gathering with my friends from the parish, where we drank wine and ate Santi's ham, while watching concerts on DVD.  

I got home late but had to wake up early to serve at mass, where I felt so much gratitude, peace, and joy (see my other blog for my post about Today's Readings).  Then I had buffet lunch at Italianni's with my family.  It was a wonderful birthday week and I could not ask for more.  God knows me.  God loves me.  God owns me!  And I think I could say that today, I'm happy.

P.S.  Cuz, this is one happy post, and I remembered your greeting as I typed tonight.  Hope you visit this blog and get to read this, too.

Proud Tita

Quick email - my sister-in-law has uploaded the video of the latest piano recital of my two handsome and brilliant nephews.

Visit http://luigimiko.digitalres.com to see that I'm not exaggerating.

Tess, this is really, really Miko! And Luigi! I can't even play these pieces.

34 Random Facts About Me

While being treated to dinner by my grade school barkada, they asked me to name 34 milestones in life, a tradition started by KBJ when he turned 40 last week.  I said I needed time to think of what to say, as I had had my share of highs and lows in life.  So I'm posting my answer to one of their 34 questions.

This is stream-of-consciousness, unedited, raw facts about me, probably of interest only to those who asked me to write this, but go ahead and read if you have nothing better to do.

1.  I've never learned to ride a bike.

2.  I was the batch Model Girl during my freshman year at Manila Science High School.

3.  I wanted to be a laundrywoman, a newscaster, a pianist, a dancer, a writer, and a lawyer while I was growing up.  It's not too late to be all of them.

4.  I had perfect pitch in college - I could give the middle C without a pitch pipe.  I haven't tried locating the note in my head in a long while.

5.  I majored in Business Economics in college.  I was encouraged by my piano teacher to minor in Piano but I was too lazy to practice.  I have regretted this decision for a long time.

6.  I was baptized in the Spirit and gave my life to the Lord in October of 1993.  I still remember the moment I was prayed over and my happiest moment to date was then, when the light of God's love enveloped me.  I received the gift of tongues immediately.

7.  I failed the bar the first time I took it.

8.  I passed the bar a year after my batchmates did.

9.  I won in a typing contest in a class in BA.

10.  I lost the Presidency three times in life - Grade School, High School, and Law School.  I didn't lose in Undergrad because I ran and won as Vice President of the School of Economics Student Council.

11.  I am an ambidextrous texter and I think I could win a texting contest if I ever join one.

12.  I took up drama class at CCP during my teen years to get over a broken heart.  I broke it again that summer.

13.  My father named me after a beauty queen from COLOMBIA who competed in the Miss Universe pageant in Manila in 1974 (Thanks to Juan's Proud Poppa for pointing out my error.  Miss Spain won that year. )

14.  My favorite saints are St Francis, St Joseph, St Clare, St Therese, and St Teresa.

15.  There had never been a point in my life when I was not in the middle of a book.

16.  I could play the piano without reading notes at the age of three just by listening to my mother's piano students.

17.  I am the most unathletic person I have ever met.

18.  All five of us kids went to the University of the Philippines.

19.  I have never kept a pet for more than a month in my life.  I do not like pets.

20.  I cannot cut straight, whether using scissors or a cutter.  

21.  My lowest grades in school were in P.E. and Art.

22.  My highest grades were in music and English.

23.  I got my highest grades, joined the most number of orgs, won a leadership award with cash prize, wrote for the schoolpaper, finished my thesis using Econometrics, after I broke up with my first boyfriend.  If I had done that earlier, I would probably have done better in school. Haha.

24.  I was the one who introduced texting and blogging to several of my friends.

25.  I thought I was going to be a corporate lawyer for the rest of my life.

26.  I thought I was going to be a missionary for the rest of my life.

27.  I danced "Awit ng Kabataan" at the Araneta Coliseum with Lingkod QT's and shouted, "I'll be back, Araneta!"  I haven't been back on that stage since then.

28.  I had a brief stint as a travel writer and toured Bohol, Manila, Shanghai, and Beijing as fees.

29.  I worked in the government for 3.5 years.

30.  I served in Lingkod for seven years.

31.  I want to visit Europe and Israel before I die.

32.  I am happier to be on retreat than to be in a rock concert.

33.  My trip to Disneyland and California Adventure was the highlight of my first US visit. It was not the Grand Canyon.

34.  I am often mistaken as a twentysomething.  Hurrah!

Thank you for all your birthday greetings.  I thank God for all the blessings He has given me, and pray that the rest of the journey will be spent with Him and with people I can share love with.  

Cheers!

The Winner Takes it All

I cannot help it.  After watching Mamma Mia on the big screen, I cannot shake off ABBA songs from my head, especially this one, which made me cry while watching the play on stage last year and again while watching the film with mama mia yesterday.

It was the scene, the backdrop, the stars, and the sea.  There was no plot to speak of, but this song speaks volumes.

Thank you for the music, ABBA.  Somebody take me to the videoke soon or I'll sing in front of my computer all week.

The Winner Takes it All

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you? 
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name? 
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...... 

Guilt No Longer Becomes Her

I think I'm reaching a point when I can say without guilt or frustration that there are things that I could neither be nor do in life, even if they come naturally for other people.

1. I could never wear just one perfume day in and day out.
2. I get bored wearing the same accessories successively.
3. I could never arrive in the office at the exact same time for many consecutive days.
4. I do not play badminton. No one can make me; even if People in Authority.
5. I hate wasting time.
6. I do not like being rushed, especially in the morning.
7. I am not rich.
8. I try to be different and to be good at the same time, which sometimes confuses people, including myself.
9. I never run out of things to be insecure about. All I can manage to do is to tone them down.

And the Number Ten Thing I've Come to Accept About Myself is...

10. Not all my dreams came true. Life must go on.

Acceptance. I just might be on the Fifth Stage of Grief. There was definitely a lot of Denial, Anger, Barganing, and Depression, which some of you may have witnessed.

I am not sure exactly what I was grieving for, but I went through all stages. Sometimes you just wake up to see beauty, and grace, and hope in your life. They were there all along, but you were just too busy to notice.

My Father, the Techie

I never thought I'd hear him say it, but this morning I overheard a conversation between my brother and my father. I did not catch what Kuya Ric said, but Papa replied, "Ginu-google ko" (I Google it).

I said, "Papa, what did you say?"

He said (in Tagalog), "I Google my favorite newspapers and magazines. When I was in the US last month, I stayed updated with Philippine news through Google. I also read the New Yorker regularly."

I was on my way to the driveway so I was not able to pursue the conversation but I congratulated him for being so hi-tech.

When I arrived at the office, I saw him online on Yahoo Messenger. I told him to keep the Magic Jack open as my sister from Australia will call him in a while. Yes, we chatted.

Actually the miracle started the day he left for the States, the first time to travel such a distance by himself in all of his 72 years. Mama and I instructed him to call us as soon as he's checked in. We dropped him off at the airport and got stuck in traffic. We had not even left EDSA when Mama's cellphone rang - it was Papa, calling from his clamshell - type, hand-me-down, Motorola, laughingly telling Mama that he was already in his proper gate and ready to wait for boarding. We heaved a collective sigh of relief.

Of course, when he got to the San Francisco airport, he had trouble finding a porter to help him with his luggage, and got my uncle, sister, and cousins worried because he was the last one to emerge from the arrival door. He did not want to learn how to send text messages and calling from his roaming phone was too expensive so he just made them wait for an hour while he figured out how to get his luggage.

While on vacation, he also learned to work the digital camera and became a budding photographer. He documented my cousin's wedding and all the beautiful places he visited.

I hope that he'd soon learn how to text. Maybe I'll ask him to Google a tutorial.

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be

Free/One

Lighthouse Family

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say 
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear 

I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart 
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it feels to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free 

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea 
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say 
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear 
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear 
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear 

One love one blood
One life you've got to do what you should 
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers

One love but we're not the same
We got to carry each other Carry each other
One One One One One...

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

(This song wouldn't stop playing in my head yesterday.  By 5p.m. I had a migraine.  I still have it now, hence I shouldn't be writing this.  I'm stopping now.)