I guess you could say my eyes are slowly being re-opened and I'm finding I have to claim my life or I would just waste it, noble intentions notwithstanding.
There are so many horror stories I refused to write about before, of insults, jokes, and demands made of me just because I was the Last Single Person on Earth. The witty retorts that popped in my head every single time I was teased or pitied for being unmarried, I have managed to put under lock and key. But I did reserve the nastiest unsaid replies for the harshest comments I had received.
People could be so cruel. So I'm the last of five children to be married, although I'm not the youngest. So I still live with my parents. So most of my friends are married. So I am the perennial godmother of their children. So I am always asked to serve and work and give and wait, because I'm unattached and available (to serve and work and give and wait).
Oh, the insinuations that I'm a horrible, unlovable person, are unbelievable. As a brother, who is single for the Lord, said, for single people the question at the back of everyone's mind is, "What's wrong with you?"
Why were you not chosen?
Why were you left behind?
Who will take care of you when you grow old (as if this is the purpose of marriage)?
And so I ask why I'm being accused, are all married people happy? It is not the state of life per se that makes us happy, but the state of our hearts as we live out our vocation. Please give single people a break. God loves us as much as you married ones.
And these are my favorites. I call them the Insulting Compliments.
"You're too intimidating. You hurt the Filipino male's pride by your intelligence, your success, and your passion."
And I'm supposed to say thank you for pointing these things out. Yes! How happy I am for being called these names. And how hard I've tried to tone down my dreams, lessen my service, hide my talents, and quiet my passions. Now I know better. God created me this way. I should celebrate who I am and not let other people dictate how I should live my life. I guess I haven't found my match yet. I guess I could die single. There are worse things in this world. What matters is how I lived my life as a single person! I want to be true to who I am.
"You're too choosy. You should settle for someone who is not ideal and not perfect. After all, you are not ideal. Neither are you perfect."
And so is my mascara, and that's why I never wear mascara, since I cannot afford the truly waterproof, volumizing, non-smearing brand. I mean, since I have combination skin, mascaras that pretend to be waterproof just smear away with ugly black streaks that make me look like a raccoon on a hot summer day. Without the perfect mascara in my makeup bag, I'd rather not wear any. The cheap brands don't work. Someday maybe I could afford to buy the mascara that was made for my eyes and skin type. But for now, my life is complete even without it.
I guess people like to poke at others' weaknesses, in an attempt to help them out of their misery. I welcome the prayers from people who say they want to see me happily married. I welcome the friendship of those who love me for who I am now and are not nagging me to wear revealing clothes to attract men.
Some of my happiest moments are driving alone on an empty road listening to my favorite music. Or dining alone in a fancy restaurant where I could eat in peace. Or reading a book in the middle of a stormy night. Or serving macaroni soup to hundreds of youth. Or going to the market with my parents. Or having coffee with friends. Or writing in this blog.
Life is beautiful, and not all are called to the same purpose. Let me discover mine, and enjoy the journey. I just want to put it in writing, if I stay with my last name till the end of my days, I would not have lived in vain. I'm more concerned whether I'm going to heaven after this earth. If I'm going to meet Jesus face to face. If I will join the saints in worship eternally. For in heaven, we shall all be single. And we won't be asked why. The angels will rejoice with us. And Love will be all around us.
And if I am single, it doesn't mean I'm alone. For God is with me. I'd rather have bad, stormy, painful, challenging days with God, than good times with someone else who doesn't know Him.
There were moments when I was weak and I almost gave in. I almost settled. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life. I am glad that I was shaken out of that temporary insanity.
It is my hope that there will be more kindness in this world, and that people will think twice before commenting on other people's civil status. Sometimes I get the joke and laugh at my own expense.
Other times, I just prefer to Be alone. For that is what I am now.