Self-Diagnosis: An Exercise in Futility

Last week, I took an online test to determine if I had autism. I really did. I learned from someone with Asperger's Syndrome that such a test was available online, and had always wondered if I had A.S. or something similar. As if it would explain everything that was wrong with me.

My friends in the know would probably laugh this off as another one of my silly ideas. But hey, last Thursday, I had reason to believe that I might be autistic.

Case in point. I helped prepare PowerPoint slides for our scripture study in the parish. Two weeks ago, I was able to set up the LCD projector, although I did not have much time to do it, so the screen was cut off at the bottom. The text was readable and comprehensible enough, so I let it go. I was happy to listen to the lessons in Greek and Paul's Letter to the Galatians.

Last Thursday, however, I got stuck in traffic (story of my life last week) and arrived late. I had mere seconds to set up the presentation. I was confronted with the following problems: the screen was placed at an angle that required the projector to be placed similarly from a particular angle, which it was not. Now, I count visual art, geometry and physics as some of my weaknesses, and no way in the world could I make the projector work properly given that angle and the milliseconds to go before bible class had to start.

Next, the Sanyo projector actually had a loose cable that unplugged it at the slightest movement. Did I mention that I had to find the right angle for the whole picture to appear on screen? Every time it got unplugged, therefore, it decided that it had to cool down for a few minutes, and then restart. Every single time. And it happened almost five times, to my growing dismay, irritation, and frustration.

When the thing finally worked, the screen was cut in half. I could only read "atians" instead of "Galatians" from the title. I had a stiff neck because the screen image was tilted. And I was operating the clicker as Fr. Steve went on to start without the LCD. Nobody could appreciate the text on screen anymore. Fr. Steve was right; we had handouts and we didn't need the LCD. Technology only slowed us down and made life more complicated.

What made it even worse was that the lesson about faith and salvation was so difficult for me to grasp, and I could not follow it. I had a frown for an hour, which caused me a headache. I lacked sleep, I had a long day at work, and I traveled for two hours to get home, so all these things affected my mood.

I was not happy. I kept thinking, Oh no, all the nuns and my Bible Study classmates must think I'm a moron for not being able to make this work. One nun, God bless her, approached me afterwards and said she understood my difficulty, and it was not my fault. The projector had to be set up permanently. The table we were using was not suited for the purpose. She was right; for it could not even fit both the MacBook and the projector. She offered to help. I wanted to hug her.

So I thought I was not normal for insisting that we still use the projector; and I was not normal for being distracted and irritated that the screen was partially hidden from view; and I was not normal for being so worried about what my classmates thought instead of listening to the theological points raised at class.

But then I flunked the test. Miserably. I did not have A.S., according to my computer screen. Well, that figures. A person with A.S., usually possessing superior or even better I.Q., could make something as simple as a PowerPoint presentation work properly. And I with my normal IQ, low AQ and EQ, just had to deal with life with more patience and perseverance.

My office mate suggested taking an online test for OCD (Gee, thanks Twix!). I found out that OCD and OCPD were two separate things. I didn't seem to fit any category. But what do I know? Maybe what I need, really, is professional help (Tina, you can say I told you so). Someone who can tell me what's wrong with me, and help make it right.

In the meantime, I vowed to go to class extra early next week, and employ other people to set up the projector. Yes, I have not let that frustration go yet. (Perfectionism: there it is. The answer to the question.)

Now Playing: Remembering You

The video and the song played during Fr. Geoffrey's Youth Alive despedida, October 18, 2008.  Read about him here.

Remembering You
Steven Curtis Chapman
The Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I

I wish You could stay
but I'll, I'll wait for the day

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing 
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You 

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing 
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You 

The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost 
The brave death, the last breath
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and

Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing 
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You 

And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You

For Fr. Geoffrey

There's an e-mail that's circulating that begins with the sentence, "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

It continues to state that when someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. When that need is fulfilled, they leave your life. Their purpose is extinguished.

People come into your life for a SEASON because your turn has come to share, grow or learn from them, or from each other. You will enjoy their company, but only temporarily, for a fixed period of time.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. I reckon this refers to friendships that stand the test of time. I have been blessed to have these kinds of friendships, and today I want to write about one very special person who has helped me to grow spiritually, emotionally, and even physically (by encouraging me to go the gym regularly in order to release stress and feel better about myself).

We often do not honor the people in our lives enough. Or at least we do it after they've gone. I'd like to honor someone who to me is a friend for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. He's leaving the Philippines by the end of this month after a six-year missionary duty. He's going back home to Australia. Even though we'll keep in touch, I know that it won't be the same. I have to thank him now. I have to recognize how good he has been to me now.

I met him four years ago, in October 2004, at the Lingkod National Leaders' Training Conference in Iloilo. I was told by my confessor, Fr. Steve, that their order of religious priests was tasked by the bishop to take care of our sub-parish (how blessed I felt, how specifically loved by God, for it was an answered prayer to find a home in my own parish). He brought along with him to Iloilo a priest who was to become our assistant parish priest. I was shy to approach him, for he was six feet tall, and spoke English with an intimidating (to a Filipino) Australian accent, but I needed someone to talk to, for Fr. Steve left that conference early, and that week I heard the Lord inviting me to give up my career as a lawyer to become a full-time missionary. I needed someone who could understand and give me wise advice.

I looked for him, introduced myself, and thus was prayed over for the first time by Fr. Geoffrey Coombe, mgl. It was a day of retreat but I could not sit in silence. I needed to speak out, to ask and express how I could be called to serve God in that capacity, when all I could see were the obstacles before me.

Thus began four years of pastoral care under him. Fr. Geoff guided me through a six-month period of discernment, through five-minute chats after the 6 p.m. mass, which I could attend regularly then as I worked a few minutes away from home. He checked up on me, prayed over me, shared his experiences with me, and discerned with me. I knew he was God's gift, for I really felt God's love through him. I looked forward to sharing my reflections and realizations with him, for he directed me gently but firmly towards focusing on the Lord and not on myself.

While I was a Lingkod staffer and was having difficulty reconciling that with being a lawyer, Fr. Geoffrey continued to be my spiritual director. I sought him out to sort me out, for it was good to have someone outside of my ministry who was objective enough to point out what I was being blind to. He taught me to discover my gifts and to share them at the appropriate time. He taught me to deal with the burnout I felt after giving to the point of exhaustion. He showed me how I could serve without losing myself.

Fr. Geoffrey also encouraged me to serve at the parish. He invited me to give my first Life in the Spirit Seminar talk in Tagalog, gave me a pamphlet about being a Lector at mass and then gave me a regular assignment, and sat down with me to discuss his dreams for the youth of our parish. This was before Bro. Daniel Strickland and Fr. Brian Steele came to take care of the Youth Ministry for our new parish.

Being an architect and an artist, Fr. Geoff had a wealth of knowledge and experience to draw from, and that was exactly what I needed to discern my career. In deciding to leave Lingkod, he prayed with me. In looking for my next job, he prayed for me. He gave me books to read and asked me to submit reflections, just like a patient teacher to a wayward student.

He is a quiet man with a deep prayer life, and it is a blessing to be one of his directees. Yesterday, the first of October, about four weeks before his flight back to Canberra, I told him I felt like I graduated from a course from the Fr. Geoffrey Coombe School of Pastoral Care. I wanted to make him proud of me but I was nowhere near sainthood and still unsure about many things.

He told me that what was important was that I grew to be more honest in my relationship with God, and that I knew how to love even if it was painful and complicated. He felt his time here, in my life, was up too, and he was happy to endorse me to my new spiritual directress, a Cenacle sister. He believed in planting seeds and leaving them to grow.

I will miss having Fr. Geoffrey a text away to pray over my concerns, from the mundane to the melodramatic. I will miss seeking his advice and hearing his voice that did not ever judge me, no matter how disobedient I had been to God. I will miss his creative homilies. I will miss his Powerpoint presentations that illustrated deep Catholic teachings in a way that young people and young souls would understand.

He is moving to a new ministry and is very excited about it. He is excited at how God's plans would unfold for me, he said. I sit here today wondering what my next step would be, but grateful, very grateful, that for the past four years I have had someone to guide me, listen to me, and pray with me. I will continue to consult, or maybe inform, him over major decisions of my life. But even if this friendship is for a lifetime, I recognize the reason he was here, and the season we shared, as one of God's greatest blessings.

I dedicate one month of saying goodbye to him, made up of despedidas from all the groups that would organize it for him, highlighted by my family's first piano recital, with him and a few friends as audience.

Fr. Geoffrey, thank you for being a part of my life, in the context of the Parish of St. Benedict, Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon, Youth Alive, the Disciples of Jesus, and the Posh. I will never forget everything that you taught me. God bless you on your new ministry. And... see you in Canberra! :-)

A Night to Remember

Chopin's Etude In E Major Opus 10 No. 3 (basis of "No Other Love")
Hatinggabi by Antonio Molina
Mayon (Fantasia de Concierto) by Francisco Buencamino, Sr.
I Could Have Danced All Night  (from My Fair Lady)
Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal by Ernani Cuenco

This list reads like the Top Five Hits From My Childhood, for I grew up in this music, as they are just some of my parents' favorite songs. Imagine the joy my Mama and I felt when all these and more were performed last Saturday during "A Night to Remember", a fundraising concert for the projects of the Parish of Saint Benedict, held at the Don Antonio Heights Homeowners' Association (DAHHA) Clubhouse.

Internationally-acclaimed artists May Gorospe-Favis (soprano), Angelo Favis (guitar), and Charisse Baldoria (pianist) treated the parishioners and friends of St. Benedict to world-class music. Mama and I particularly enjoyed the jaw-dropping set of six out of seven songs composed by Manuel de Falla, where husband-and-wife team May and Angelo displayed their versatility in evoking a myriad of emotions through Siete canciones populares españolas ("Seven Spanish Folksongs").

If I were Mama, I would miss Papa during the concert, as the latter is currently on vacation in the U.S. The celebration of music reminded us that true beauty comes from God and art such as that reminds us of what our soul aches for - heaven. I have seen concerts at the Vatican and in other grand churches - on TV, as I wasn't invited - with the Pope in attendance, and last Saturday, I felt that grand. May also performed Psalm 23 and a song for Saint Clare that gave me goosebumps.

I could not help but admire the artists for their skill and talent. The priests asked me afterwards if I was inspired to practice the piano more and perform for them after watching that concert. I said, "As a matter of fact, No. You know me, I would choose not to do something if I know I cannot do perfectly."

I love music though and I bought Angelo's two CD's where he recorded Philippine music with his guitar. Love was in the air that night and I could not help but catch it with a smile. Love for God. Love for music. Love for friends. Love for community. And Love for my parents, who taught me all that.

My friends Hanzel, Marla, and Tess watched the concert, too, and we enjoyed the cocktails together with Mama, Fr. Steve, and some friends from the Parish Pastoral Council afterwards. We could not help laughing and having a great time, and it was not (just) because of the overflowing wine.

Forgive me for using a cliche, but I must admit it was indeed "a night to remember".

Lovin' Summer

Summer is here again.  For some, it means rest from books.  For others, it signals bathing suit season and beach party time.  But for the youth of the Parish of St Benedict, summer means YASP!

Yes, it's coming back and it's going to be packed.  The Youth Alive Summer Program will start on April 8 and end on May 24.

We're looking for generous snacks sponsors.  If you're ready, willing, and able to sponsor simple snacks for the youth of our parish, kindly send me an email at ella@digitalres.com.

Or comment to this post.  You may search "youth alive" photos, links, and posts from my original blog here.  (For my friends on multiply, FYI, I have 2 blogs, for my two personalities. ;)

P.S.  The title was just there to catch your attention.  But I guess for some people, summer is for lovin' as well.